The Dance

One of the things I think about from time to time is how strict to be at practice.  On one hand, I shudder to think how much time I have wasted over the years by not being strict enough.  By this I mean putting up with marginal behavior, for example, noodling incessantly between tasks, not having picture perfect hand position, general distractions, lack of counting aloud with accurate rhythm and motor-mouth type conversation during practice.  In addition to the wasted time, the other negative effect of lenience was that it caused me at times to feel passively aggressive. (Secretly angry. .. ) I was annoyed with my child, but moving forward to keep the peace.  Inside I was wishing that my child was just magically intrinsically motivated to be his or her very best self at every moment.  Instead of fixing the problem, I avoided the confrontation at the expense of my inner peace.  Am I only parent who has ever done this???

On the other hand, for the most part, I have a really great relationship with each of my children at the piano.  We have a lot of fun together. Neither of them has ever refused to practice or perform at an event.  They love to play and volunteer to play in public whenever and wherever there is a piano.

This is the dance I am talking about.  How to make practice productive and positive.  How to develop inner discipline in each child while fostering a love of playing music. I guess each parent has to find her way through the ebb and flow of this journey.

Each parent has a different level of tolerance and patience. What works for one family might be outside the comfort level of another.  We should not accept disrespectful or inappropriate expressions of frustration or anger at any time.  We must teach our kids that feelings are always okay, but behavior must still be respectful toward the parent and the instrument.

Each child is completely unique and constantly growing and changing as well.   When Calvin was really young, my patience was endless.  We played games, used stuffed animals, and lingered at the piano for much longer than the time we were productively practicing.  There were also many times I hauled him off to his room for disrespectful behavior.  Now at 9 years old, I find that I can raise my expectations.  He knows my boundaries.  I don't find myself settling for behavior that I don't really like.  He is taking more and more responsibility for setting his own standards.  He is starting to take ownership of his playing.   These behavior situations were never even an issue with my second child. Go figure--am I more experienced or is she just a different creature?  Both. Parents of adolescent girls might tell me that I haven't seen it all yet. . .

I don't have all the answers.  I hope that I will look back and say that mostly I was firm but always kind, that I set a high standard but made it fun to achieve.   Dr. Suzuki says that we teach first for the love of the child, and second for the love of music.  If I gain a virtuoso pianist and lose my child, or lose his love of music, what have I gained?  I have to operate on faith that if I put my relationship with my children first, and my standards and expectations of them at the piano second, it will all turn out right in the end.

What a great dance!