Practice What You Praise

Congrats to all the chamber music kids! We had a great chamber music weekend. I just LOVE the look on these little ones' faces when they hear the sound of the cello and violin with their pieces. And the older kids broaden their listening and work on ensemble skills. Our string players Christina and Anne-Sophie did a great job adapting to the different levels and musicianship of each child. I'll try to get some video up on youtube but getting 20 files uploaded is an all day job. Note--I had the heat up in the studio during the third session, the children in the picture aren't frozen, I just had the camera on the wrong setting. A little knowledge is such a dangerous thing. Thanks also to Catherine McMichael for the bulk of the arrangements. She's quick to email a file when I need a part.

Occasionally snarky passive agressive parenting gets the job done. For example, instead of setting a specific boundary for computer game use I just say things like, "it must be uncomfortable to have that iPad growing out of your left hand." Or, "What are the wizards and little mine people up to today?  They've seen more of you than I have."

This results in exasperation and occasional tears. Guilt is an underrated approach. But after one such interaction my child did arrange a Kabalevsky piece for wind ensemble and complete two stop motion animations with stuffed bunnies and play-doh.

I won. . .

Let's say it again together. . . it's not the computer game. . . it's what you are not doing while you are playing the computer game.

Somedays it feels like me against Dell and Apple. A one woman war against Gates and Jobs.

I've been thinking about the role of praise in our children's lives. Americans are oft accused of over praising our kids.

Personally, I think life is tough and playing the piano is a long road and we need all the praise and encouragement we can possibly humanly get.

But it has to be the right kind of praise.

My dad was notorious for quips like, "Sara, you look less tired than yesterday."  And, "you are really starting to play with some dynamics." (At age 25. . . ) Just shoot me.

While completely well intentioned, the result was not uplifting. We call this backhanded complimenting. "You sure screwed up less this time than last time." Or. .  "way to keep going even when the performance was a total botch." I've heard it all.

Even, "you are so talented" sends the wrong message. If I did happen to do well it was only because of some gift I was presented with at birth.

We should praise first for effort, hard work, determination and second for specific details and results.

You are such a hard worker.
You are really determined.
You really know how to practice effectively.
You were really listening for the balance.
I heard each note clearly.
The melody was very expressive.
Your bow was slow and thoughtful.
Worst case scenario: I'm so glad you are still taking piano.

Period. No if, ands, or buts.
That's how you give a compliment.

"You are really wasting less of your life at the computer today. . ."
Not.

"I really love seeing all your super cool projects. What's next on your list?"
A little better.

Now on to practice what I praise.


Disclaimer: the above mentioned child really doesn't spend all that much time on the computer. He or she is really an extremely self-motivated kid. There have just been a lot of snow days this winter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, we don't watch any network TV and other TV screen time only on weekends. Some of the events in this entry may have been exaggerated for dramatic writing purposes. Thank you for reading.