Love, Music, Fear and Rest

Mary and Sue--yes, theory can be fun! 

Britta, Wynn-Anne, and Mary after the composition recital. "There's short good compositions, and long good compositions. There's short bad compositions and long bad compositions" says Mary. "We love the short good ones!" Wynn-Anne says, they are all good. 

Me and Úna. I know, I have a tough job, but somebody has to teach these little angels. 

Mary and Fay--they are pretty fond of each other. 

My little friend from Houston. Again, tough job here. 

And what about this kid who is teaching me to see with different eyes? And laugh while doing it. 

Britta and Fay. Thank you Britta, for knowing what a two-note slur was in a public lesson. Whew!

And the young drum teacher will always win. And he eats really healthy. Like-avocado blueberry salads. Sigh. 

July. Breath in and breath out.

Two big cabin weekends with company
A big fun wedding to play for and celebrate
A week with my sister
Ballet and clarinet
Marching band boot camp and away camp
MacPhail institute as teacher and parent
Faculty and student recitals
One weekend in Iowa

And the first world problems. ..
House Air-conditioner broken twice
Boat motor broken twice
Fountain pump broken and rebuilt by 89 year-old Elmer

First the rest part: here at my mom's in Iowa, last night, in the basement guest room with the shades drawn, and ear-plugs in, I slept nine hours. My husband and I say that's when the little guys in our brain put up the scaffolding and do all the heavy maintenance. Rest.

Next the music part: let's talk about MacPhail. You can see from the photos that there is no lack of love in the Suzuki community. By Friday, I'm overwhelmed with the kids and the parents and my teaching friends, the old ones and the new ones. We had a great institute. The kids has master classes, composition, theory, group class, and bucket drumming. There was an honors recital, an ice cream trip, a faculty dinner, a faculty recital, composition demonstration and final student recital.

Where does the fear part come in? Well, one little girl from Portland was chosen to play Cuckoo on the honors recital. When the time came, all in her lovely dress, she couldn't do it. Can you tell the difference between true anxiety and manipulation? In a heartbeat. So folks, this is what you do and this is what we did. You don't make them play, but you don't make one ounce of a deal about it. They must not get any more attention from not playing than they would have gotten from playing. I saw the ten seconds away from throwing up look on her face. It was the real deal, but the next day in group, I publicly congratulated the girl who did have the courage to get up and play. She shouldn't lose out. You don't say nothing about the fear. Next step? Non-challently use Cuckoo as your rhythm activity. Patty-cake. Oh, who could play that for us today? Cuckoo girl marches up there in group and gets to play it ten times in a row while we all do our clapping and laughing. Incidentally she nailed it every time. Success leads to success. And Friday she marched up there onto the big Antonello stage and played her Cuckoo without incidence. And no one had to say nothing.

I played my Reverie on the faculty recital. Lots of compliments and Mary said it was perfect. But to me it was not a success because for four measures I was not there. For four measures that panic creeped in, like someone slipped you a drug, and no amount of mediation or breathing or listening or shaping the phrase can rescue you now. You are not there. You don't remember that it was a B-flat chord in second inversion with the ninth in the melody because-you are not there.

Why? I don't know. It's an easy piece and don't you wish you could just show one of the 100 perfect videos you have of yourself preparing it at home? Heck, gather round and I'll show you the one on my phone in my jammies.

It could be that the sole purpose for this anxiety is to help me maintain my compassion and respect and awe for every child who marches up there with their bare soul on the line and plays from the heart.

Success leads to success. As long as I only play solo piano from memory 2-3 times a year this will not improve. The kids play for each other in group nine times a year. That is mostly why I even have group. Maybe I should play for them nine times a year. That's what I would say to them. We will see. Maybe I should play Reverie for patty-cake.

Performance anxiety is a selfish thing. And there are mountains of books about it and imagery and psychology. When push comes to shove you got to either quit or keep going.

What might keep us going under these circumstances?

Love. It's the love part that keeps us going.

Love of the children and love of the music. That is the only reason. Love wraps itself around that fear and while it can't take it away, it makes everything okay. Love is stronger than fear.

Love is stronger than fear.

I tell the children their music is a gift to the audience.
Gifts don't have to be perfect.
They are gifts. Nobody is afraid of a gift.

Music is a gift. Children are a gift. Love is a gift. Rest is a gift.
May your August be filled with all these gifts!