Yesterday I took a moment to look up a blog entry from 2011. In December of 2011 I wrote nineteen blog entries. This Fall I've only been able to write about one a month. What's weird? Back when I was writing all those blogs I thought I was really busy. Really busy. . .
It's all good. Right now I've got just enough time to do what I need to do. I'm not frantic like I used to be. But, back then I didn't have SAM responsibilities and emails to field. Calvin didn't go from one intense musical endeavor to another at Eastview. Mary wasn't practicing K.330 for an hour a day. I'm right where I need to be. Just not WRITE where I used to be.
I'll return to writing. But I've also been practicing a lot. And that's good. I'm taking lessons from Kathie Faricy when I can fit them in and I always come away inspired. Observing Paul and Calvin every week is also such a blessing--I'm high on the personal teaching/playing growth chart.
This is the time. Mary is thirteen. She teetering on the edge of childhood. We are holding on to little girl-hood pretty well. Calvin is a junior and driving. I'm hit with grief bursts almost daily. Oh my God. . . we are closer to the end than the beginning. Turning fifty in January is NOT helping.
And so many of the things I have in my heart about my family and friends are not fit for prime time. The challenges of many around me are simply private. They are not my stories to write.
What can I say? Pushing 50 has a lot to do with letting go the drama. Time is not elastic. The young become the old and mysteries do unfold. In the words of Oleta Adams. . . everything must change.
What can I do? I bought the kids advent calendars with little chocolates in them. Santa Claus is going to come down the chimney and make a big mess on the hearth.
My mom will come and we will go out to lunch at the Galleria. She and I will sit at the kitchen table and drink coffee and make lists in our jammies. We will get Maggie to the Christmas Eve service to hear us play, it's just that Calvin will probably drive over and pick her up. It's not hard to remember when she picked him up. We will get Bill's folks down from Nisswa for Christmas Day. Sam will come home from college. If there is snow the kids will go sledding. No Katie dog this year to keep them off thin ice. Too many changes.
I've always been ready for the next stage. Nursing-ready. Toddlers-ready. Preschool-ready. Etc. Now I'm not ready. I don't want the young to become the old.
Even when the changes are normal and natural, it's not easy. I'm hanging on to everything I can. And I'm setting the table for four tonight. Tomorrow is December first and we will listen to December first music and do the December first activities. December second? I'm not really ready for Christmas future.
I'm hanging on to Christmas past. Today.
Me, too.
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