Moving On. . . Ready or Not

Mary playing the prelude to the President's Academic Awards Ceremony

Thanks President Trump. . . 

Some pretty awesome kids. . and wicked smart. 

The car is such a safe place to process emotions. Why do I wear eye makeup anymore? 

Part of Mary's Tribe

Best high school in Minnesota. . . says. . . somebody.

Calvin's Moment (not commencement, just academic awards)

Good job, Mary!

Calvin and his friend Andrea at Eastview Awards night

Emily and Mary reading the morning announcements. 

The last eighteen hours have held a lot.  Last night and this morning Eastview Academics. This morning the last visit to Blackhawk Middle School for academics. Tomorrow night the last band concert with awards. The rain. The fifty degrees. 

I was always ready for the next thing. Nursing baby. Check. Toddler. Check. Early childhood. Check. Middle school. Huge, huge check. 

Now my feelings are dualistic. I'm really so done with middle school. We are starting to recognize the same speeches where the principal and the band directors talk about how this class. . . this 2017 2018 2019 class. . is really unique and special.  God bless. I'm so thankful for those folks. 

Yet with all these acknowledgements . . . there's also some heavy hearts. 

The whole Blackhawk splitting into two high schools has really just about ruined the last third of middle school. It's too much for fourteen-year-olds to process in a healthy way. If I cling tighter to you I'll still have to say goodbye. If I distance you now I'm already lonely. If I'm excited about moving on I feel guilty. If I'm sad then people might not understand why I made this or that choice. It's just too much. Sorry, Mary. 

I could also be done with high school. Except Mary started marching band last Saturday. Four more speeches about the best class. Don't wish it away. 

I've always been ready for it all. But I'm not ready for moving out and I guess I can't really see the day when I will ever be ready for that. I like my kids and I enjoy them living at this house. I spent half own my childhood dreading the day when my sister would go to college. I was a pretty melancholy soul. Of course I'm not like that anymore. 

I know there are a lot of people out there grieving about a lot of things right now, and I just have to repeat: grief is a lump sum. You can divide it up however you want. You can have some in the parking lot of Kowalski's and some in the bathroom of the middle school. Your daughter can draw you a charcoal picture of your dad for Mother's Day and you still miss him, TEN years later. Piano parents are still tender six years after their kids graduated. If you are paying attention and love the people around you, you will be depreciating your grief for a very long time. 

Calvin's friend from grade school Mara, (who went to Eagan when he went to Eastview. . . ) spoke at the Blackhawk thing this morning. Calvin saw her last week at the AP music theory test. Did I mention there have been five AP tests in the last ten days, including this morning before the awards? Anyway. . thanks Mara, for ruining the eye makeup already at 7:05 a.m. She spoke so well. I should have taken notes. Guess what. . . high school is not the whole deal. Middle school is not the whole deal. Everybody feels out of place. (I'll add that you might feel out of place your whole life. . . and that's okay.) Be kind. 

Calvin was about .001 points away from the biggest music and academic awards. The mom sitting next to me said her daughter was .001 away from graduating with highest honors. Can I primal scream WHATEVER!!!!

Can we give credit where credit is due to these kids who have sold their souls to Eastview High School and may or may not be valedictorian or student of any particular year? Can we shout it from the mountains that these things are not always fair. There are no brownie points for the nuances of the choices these kids make. And they are all great kids. 

Calvin chose a crazy hard senior year and took two AP tests that he prepared for independently and didn't even take the class. While practicing piano. Mary is plotting her own course with math and clarinet and piano and tenor sax and cooking and sewing and collecting pens. There's no plaque on the wall for all that. And they are not alone. 

What I'm trying to say is that if you don't have a growth mindset, a love of lifetime learning, and the ability to make new friends and keep the old, you will never be happy. You will always be .001 points away from the best. And that is not to diminish ANYTHING from those students who ended up number one. This story doesn't end with middle school. Or high school. Or college. Look at the grandparents in our life and Beatriz. They are still always learning something new. 

Yes, both my kids are excited to move on. Mary will go to Eastview and Calvin to the University of Iowa. Yes, Mary got the Blackhawk 4.0 she dreamt of. Yes, Calvin was the only National Merit Finalist from Eastview. And yes, they've each had their own heartaches. 

What am I most proud of? What do I hope the teachers will remember about them? I hope they will remember my kids' love of music, their love of learning and the special relationships they had.  

You can't move on from those things. They follow you through your whole life. Ready or not. 

A couple of the life time learners I know. . .