Confessions from the Nest

Mary at Homecoming

A Surprise Party for Mary

Marching at the Viking's Stadium

Go Eastview!

Oliver and Callie

Lower Cullen Lake

My Favorite Path

My Favorite Guy

Practicing with Dad

Calvin in his required ensemble. . . looking sharp

Confession. I've been in a funk. It's now the end of October and all the projects I thought I would so easily complete with only one child in the house are still floating out there. What have I been doing? Combing the cats. Nursing my first cough in over two years. 

When push comes to shove I guess we Kotrbas are mostly about family. We have dear ones, but the four of us have been pretty tight all along. Birds of a feather. Why would I think that one of us could leave the nest and things would just carry on. 

It's the selfish guilt of wanting things to always stay the same versus the joy of sending an eaglet into flight. Would you tie a string to that wing jumping from the branch? 

Still, honestly, I'm struggling. Though I've generally held a glorification of the past close to my heart, I was always ready for the next stage. Nursing. Done. Toddler falls. Done. Preschool glitter. Done. Middle school? SO DONE!!!! But I didn't want growing up to be done. I just didn't. 

How did all these people with grown up kids do this? I don't know. 

Calvin, forgive me for writing all this, I just have to get it out. You are right where you should be, practicing, eating dorm food, owning Iowa City. Finding your church. Finding your people. Spreading your wings. 

And can I risk writing about Mary? She's killing high school--marching band and driver's ed and playing in the musical pit orchestra. Practicing piano at 6:15 every day. But she misses her eaglet brother too. 

Things are just a little different around here and so far different seems like not as good. Even when the three of us have a great time it still feels like something is missing. I'm waiting for my melancholy to pass. I know it will. It helps seeing both my eaglets soar. 

I have become my mother. She cried every time I left and she's still choking up pulling out the driveway here in 2019. She still has everything perfect when I come home to visit. She still gets out the calendar before I leave and marks the next visit.  

I guess that's what the nest is now. A resting spot. The joy of waiting and preparation for the holidays, still knowing there will be the let down and the getting out of the calendar when it's over. Next week will be all about getting ready for Calvin coming home. Soon after that will be Thanksgiving. And Christmas. Lots of time together and lots of holiday joy. The putting away of the calendar for a little while.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the kind of family that I can miss when they are gone. Thank you for giving my children such beautiful and strong wings, even when those wings take them far out into the world. Bless all the college kids and all the moms and dads and sisters at home. Help us to feel the feels but not stay there too long. Thank you for the gift of family and help me see the joy in every stage, especially now with Mary and Bill. Amen.