Daddy's Home

Oh, the stories piano teachers could tell of parents who sabotaged their kids in the name of trying to save them from their spouse's opinion of what was best for them. Did you get that?  In other words, the parents weren't on the same team and the children suffered.  I'm talking mostly about piano.

The variations on this theme are endless.  Use your imagination and you can visualize the damage inflicted on the student and the end result more often than not is that the student quits. Worst case scenario I had a dad who paid his daughter to quit because he had had it with the mom and daughter fighting about piano.  Yikes. This is not okay. I didn't find out until much later or I could have tried to help them.

Now, I have some dads in my studio who are the practicing parent.  Solid citizens. Suzuki parents extraordinaire. They take notes and drive and they sat with their kids at the piano for years.  So, this isn't gender specific, but stereotypically it is the mom who is the practicing parent.  When there is trouble in paradise usually it is initiated by the non-practicing parent.

I require both parents to be at my parent orientation class at least for some of the four sessions I hold.  This is so that I can make sure that everybody is on board and that there are no surprises regarding the commitment level later on.  Both parents need to know that learning an instrument is an enormous financial, emotional and time commitment.

The reason I am thinking about this is for the positive extreme--my kids' Dad.  Bill had a long practice session with Calvin and Mary on Saturday and I couldn't help but listen to a little of what was going on through the open door.  Bill is a ex-professional musician so he hears things. Different things than I do, in a good way.  He works on different tasks with them.  And he plays different games. I hear them screaming and laughing in between songs as they suffer a tickle attack. Practice puppy has a different voice--he's gruff and talks in opposites.  Bill is stricter about some things and doesn't notice others that would catch my attention.

I am totally blessed that we are completely on the same team.  He never second guesses me and he is always positive with the kids. He likes hearing them play and helping them. I never take that for granted.  And by the way, I didn't really take the Challenger out, it was a joke.  It makes me car-sick.

Practicing with Dad gives me a break, but more than that it adds dimension to their learning, especially since I am their teacher and their parent. Bill and I are a unified front. There is no getting around us.

I realize having two professional musicians as parents is not the Suzuki family norm.  Some families have one musical parent and some have none.  There are blessings and pitfalls to each scenario.  The important part is the unified front.

Here is a small but nice list of ways the non-practicing parent can be supportive--some may seem obvious--but you would be surprised:

• Come to the lesson sometimes--without phone or computer
• Come to recitals and performances
• Help save money for an adequate instrument
• Ask to hear your child play on the weekends
• Ask how practice is going in front of the other parent--support the practicing parent
• NEVER complain about anything regarding their music study-not listening to the recording, not listening to them practice, not money, not time. . . NOTHING
• NEVER criticize the child's performance no matter what happens--you liked it
• Demand that your child is respectful to the practicing parent 
• Let your child teach you his latest song (works through Book 1 or 2. . . )
• Don't second guess the practicing parent--instead ask questions and learn
• Give the practicing parent back rubs. . . lots of back rubs. . . everyday. . . they deserve it!

If all else fails: do no harm. But, with a little effort the non-practicing parent can be the wind beneath the Suzuki triangle's wings.  Cliché but true.  You don't have to know everything about music.  You just have to keep showing up.

Is it worth it?  One dad asked last weekend at the parent talk.  Yes, and here's why:  for the love of the child and for the love of music.  In that order.  We want our children to have beautiful hearts and to love music, again, in that order.  But, when we all work together and succeed we get it all-- a beautiful hearted child who sees the value of music to express herself in a beautiful world.