Sunday, September 23, 2012

Leaving a Simple Love

I didn't have much time to process the anniversary this weekend. Mary first threw up with a fever then got a terrible case of pink eye today. Bill was having job interviews and fighting a cold. Calvin, well, he was building a new "N" scale train and a pretend subway system built on the circle of fifths. And, he learned to help me with the laundry for Home Economics which they now call Family and Consumer Science.  There is another blog entry there. . . in which I describe what it was like having my mother for a jr. high home ec teacher. . . I digress.

She put this lovely Fall arrangement there in the Ainsworth, Iowa cemetery today after church.  It was the third year, today.

Pastor Paul did a sermon on leaving a legacy this morning.  He brought his father's old leather briefcase to the children's message--asking the children the value of this old worn out treasure.  

I wondered if I was crazy to count the years we've missed my dad but then Pastor Paul recounted that his dad died 45 years ago. I noticed he was still fingering the briefcase. I reckon I'll be counting for a while.

I did go for a walk alone yesterday and tried to concoct a "state of the mental union" address. How are we doing, three years later?

It's hard to articulate, but there is a peace that comes with being okay. Okay with missing him. Okay with the absence of miraculous healing. Okay with a God who can heal but doesn't. Okay with the mysteries.

I still got out the Montana photo album of our last trip. I still listened to Alison Krauss' Simple Love three times in a row. I still had to pull the car over when I heard the Chris Tomlin version of Amazing Grace, that the kids sang at Daddy's funeral, on the way to church this morning.

But.  It was okay.

You left your own legacy Daddy.  You left a simple love.  Always giving, never asking back.  And when I'm in my final hour looking back. . . I hope I had, a simple love like that. 
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2 comments:

  1. UnknownSeptember 24, 2012 at 3:28 AM

    I use Daddy's old leather briefcase to keep the choir stuff in. And I use his black three ring binder- could barely read the label anymore so went over it in permanent marker. But the leather briefcase is engraved. I will have it always. In a throw away world, I don't care how many times that leather briefcase needs to be fixed. I will have it always.

    Paul and I finally got to "doing wood"- chipping away at the big old hunks of tree that have accumulated three years now at the barn. On the three year anniversary. I didn't mind the work at all. Paul got the brunt of it. Got to have a new experience working with a splitter. Normally "men's work" that Daddy and Grandpa and Paul do. Thought about Daddy the whole time. Miss him. It gets easier. But it's still hard. I hope I have a simple love like that, too. Or at the very least- strive for it every single day in the memory of our "Daddy." We have many blessings and this family legacy is one of them. Daddy sure did us all proud, didn't he?

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    1. Sara Stephens KotrbaSeptember 24, 2012 at 9:24 AM

      Susan, he would be proud of you too! For taking on the choir and being there for our mother. And just for being you. Happy belated birthday, I'm not going to mention what special year it is. . . 25 maybe?

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