Happy Mother's Day

I was thinking about all the women I know.  So many different kinds of women.  All strong.  I can't think of a woman I know who isn't strong.  Each in her own way.  

I was sort of organizing the women into vague categories: women who are stay at home moms, women who wanted children but couldn't have them, women who chose not to have children, and the last category--working moms.  Of the working moms--there are even sub-categories: women who have to work because their family truly can't survive on one income, single moms, and many in between whose families probably could survive on one income but the woman feels called to a career that she believes is fulfilling to herself and a valuable contribution to society.

I deeply respect every one of these groups of ladies. I fall into the last group. If the Kotrbas wanted to we could definitely cut back and survive on one income. Heaven knows I was dirt poor all through college and learned how to get by on very little money. My single years after college were just as frugal.

The bottom line is that I'm teaching because I really love to teach. I really love my students. I really love music. I really love my family too. I love that my family can be involved--the kids would be making piano a priority even if I wasn't teaching. A perfect combination.

I wonder about all these other women, and I wonder how many are content.  How many wish they didn't have to work?  How many wish they could work?  How many wish they had children or more children?  How many wish they didn't have children? Honestly. I read somewhere that some certain very high percent of people reported that if they had to do it all again, they wouldn't have children.  Maybe they were mostly men, I don't know.

I love my children desperately. I would give my life for them. If I had to do it all again I would still have them. I'm going to do my very very best to try to bring out the best in them and help them be happy and meet their potential.  However, about 100 times a day I find myself feeling frustrated hearing about which Zhu Zhu pets are on the current wish list and Mama when can we start this sewing project and Mama my bike needs a tune up and why can't we go to the park instead of working in the yard all day. About 100 times a day I feel a selfish wave come over me. In those moments I wish I was practicing piano instead of picking up scraps of paper from everywhere. I wish I was exercising instead of picking crayons up from the table.  I wish I was gardening instead of putting the cap back on glue and the markers. Again. You get the point. Perhaps I'm more selfish than the other women I know.

I always come back to longing to be wanting to be doing what you are doing while you are doing it.  Being happy in the moment.  That's all I have ever really wanted.  I'm sure it is the secret to happiness.  I have many glorious moments of this everyday.  I never wish I was somewhere else when I am practicing with Calvin and Mary, or when I'm teaching.  When I am on a date with my husband.  When I am shopping with my mom, Bill's mom or a friend. When I am reading with my kids or playing a board game.  When I am watching their swim lessons or gymnastics. Putting them to bed. I love all these times.

I think it is the times in between that get me. When I'm trying to get stuff done or actually have a train of thought or a phone call and someone else is in my brain. For almost 10 years now I have had someone else, for 6 years now two little verbose people, sharing my brain space. Sometimes it is really hard to sit back and remember that these interruptions are moments too.  They will only be wanting my attention like this for a few more years. Yesterday I opened umpteen little handmade cards:

I love you Mama.  Mama is the light of my life and always will be. I really love Mama and I will keep on loving her until the end of the Universe. My Mama taces (takes) care of me.

Little flowers and trees and birds and smiley faces drawn all over the place on the cards.  Cards made from little scraps of paper. Crayons. Glue.  Supplies that I complained about putting away.

So the prayer for the day--Lord, help me remain in the moment with my family, help me balance their needs with my wishes.  Balance their wishes with my needs too.  Help balance me, my kids and all the other mothers and kids too.  Amen.